THE MELANCHOLY OF HARUHI SUZUMIYA (2006) is a Japanese anime series based off an eponymous collection of Manga novels.
12/01/09 | Television

The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya

by Prathna Lor

I followed the woman up sixty-three flights of stairs to her small studio apartment. I only began to notice my exhaustion just as my feet approached the doormat. I think I was so full of fear and cautiousness on the way up to the apartment to be belittled by such trivial matters of the flesh.

“I’m a Giant Ghost Panda,” the woman said.

“What?”

“My true form. I’m a Giant Ghost Panda. A shaman. That’s why I do not show any signs of exhaustion. Even though in this form my endurance is about half of what it should be. I feel anorexic. Is that the right word? Anorexic?”

“Anorexic.”

“I’m an anorexic Giant Ghost Panda Shaman in human form.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t need to explain myself to you. Shut up.”

“Okay.”

“When I let you inside, take your shoes off, sit on the red loveseat, and don’t touch anything.”

“Okay.”

I did as the woman instructed.

The woman stood at the foot of the bed, her backside toward me. I thought that maybe she had forgotten something or was trying to think of something to say. She stood there for several minutes unmoving; I couldn’t tell whether or not she was breathing. I didn’t want to spend too much time here so I gathered up the courage to ask.

“Can you, um, show me how you do it?”

“Yes.” The reply was instant.

The woman began to undress herself, I turned my head away and asked her if I should leave the room, but she didn’t respond. I held my hand up to my face.

“What are you doing?” The woman sounded offended.

I lowered my hand and turned my face toward her. She was looking directly at me, naked, with a blank face. I was waiting for something small to crawl from of her mouth. Something like a small rat.

On the surface she was average looking; the kind of person who wouldn’t stand out in a crowd. Her features were small, she was pale, and had black hair. My eyes sank to her belly button. I was tempted to touch her.

The woman got onto the bed and knelt with her hands on her knees. After inspecting her body she raised the upper part of body and then said, “There.” She reached under her butt and pulled out a golden egg.

“How often do you do this?”

“Every day.”

“For how long?”

“Sometimes I will sit here for four to six hours.”

“Is it painful?”

“No.”

“Can I see it?”

“No.”

“What do you do with them?”

The woman stopped talking. She didn’t move for a while. The golden egg was still in her palms. As I thought about swiping the egg and running the woman began to move toward me. She crawled to the edge of the bed, then fell onto the ground, and continued crawling toward me. She started mumbling, and touching my legs. Eventually she crawled onto my lap.

“Do you want to touch me?”

“No I—”

“Do you want to put your face in my ass?”

I couldn’t stop my erection. “I think I should go.”

“I’ll call my friends. We’ll all have orgasmic births.”

I began to panic a little. As I started to move the woman began to make small yipping noises. A noise like if you were to drop a boulder on a cat’s tail. The woman began to shake violently, her eyes rolled to the back of her head. She began to scream and foam at the mouth.

I got up from the loveseat and pushed the woman away. The screaming didn’t stop. A small man came out from a closet.

“What da fuck bro!”

I was panicking. I was sweating profusely. Another man came from the window.

“Grab the egg!” The man from the window whisper-screamed.

The woman latched on to my leg as I grabbed the golden egg. The small man pounced on my other leg. I punched the small man in the head and kicked the woman to the side. The man from the window grabbed me with the hook-end of his umbrella and we ascended into the sky.

“Don’t drop the egg,” he said. “Put it in your ass, just to be safe.”

“You’re kidding right?”

“If you like touching other people’s asses you can put it in mine. Otherwise put it in your ass or I’ll drop you.”

I wasn’t in the most suitable position to do either of those things, but he seemed serious enough. I slipped the egg into my ass.

“If I could give you gold for completing this quest I would.”

“How is this happening?”

“I’m a fairy. We’ll be crossing the brook soon. You’ll fall asleep and be back to your old, depressed, worthless, unloved, desperate, withdrawn, socially inept self in no time.”

“Thank you.”