DESIGNING WOMEN (1986—1993) was a television sitcom about four women working at an interior design firm.
12/01/09 | Television

Designing Women

by David Hart

Day Six

9 AM – Feeling pretty good about the whole “Earth” project so far. I’ve already made some pretty bitchin’ stuff and yesterday I made a whole crapload of sharks and sea monsters and big-ass condors and junk like that. I figure today I’ll polish off a Bloody Mary and put in some other beasts to fight each other. Greg’s coming over with some reefer soon; gotta go whip up some breakfast burritos.

11 AM – Greg’s a nut, man! I made some normal stuff like bears and lions and hippos but he starts pulling the neck on a horse and makes some crazy thing called a “giraffe”. We spend the next 30 minutes just saying that over and over again. Gir-affe. He does the same thing to a bird and calls a “flamingo”. I think he’s killing the joke.

12:00 PM – Lunch time. Nachos.

12:30 PM – Greg’s being a bit of a douche. So I took a bunch of clay, and made it look like him, but with a bunch of back hair and no tail. I called it “Man” because Greg’s always like “hey, maaaaannnn” or “cool it, maaaaannnn”. It’s really annoying.

1:45 PM – Bong break and a quick nap.

3 PM – I made some other stuff to eat up all the extra leaves and flowers and crap that Stacy made me add to Earth, and now Greg and I are coming up with more animals for a total beast war. Greg made a stretchy neck dinosaur, so I made this gnarly dino beast with a big-ass tail and huge fangs and called it a Tyrannosaurus. Greg is like, “oh yeah maaaann?!” and put little tiny hands on it. So I took the wings off of “Man” and made his penis smaller.

4:15 PM – I think we might be done. Greg’s all complaining about the “Man”, saying he’s pretty lame because he can’t even fight most of the animals and he doesn’t even shoot out fire, so how’s he going to heat up some munchies and blah blah blah. I create a slow, stupid bird named “chicken” so Man will have something to beat up and eat and laugh at. Greg creates this thing called a “pig” which is some ridiculous animal that Man can make all types of snacks from. Then he takes the chicken, stretches the neck and makes this funny thing he calls a “goose”.

5:30 PM – Greg decides maybe that Man should have a lady. We make this thing that’s like 8 feet tall, has 15 tits and four vaginas and a built-in refrigerator stock full of beers and pizza. It’s all wild and ready to hump everything and party. Just like us bro! Time to clock out and go hit the bar!

Day Seven

9 AM – What the fuck, man? In the middle of the night Stacy comes into the shop and totally messes up our lady! Now it’s only got one vagina and two boobs, a brain bigger than Man and no fridge or built-in stereo. Whatever, Greg’s got a new foosball table we’re ready to break in, so I guess it’ll do. I’m calling in sick today.