OUT OF AFRICA (1937) is the memoir of Isak Dineson (pseudonym), recounting her life in colonial Africa near the end of the British Empire. It was made into a film in 1985.
12/07/09 | Novel

Out of Africa

by Krammer Abrahams

Earth is this thing in Africa where the solar system and all its friends like Pluto and other different government projects get together and talk about how sexual education should be taught in schools. Pluto doesn’t think anyone should get to have sexual education with another human being. Pluto sends out money orders to daycare prostitution rings. It thinks it is adopting starving babies from Africa. Earth is confused. It calls Pluto. The phones are down. Earth wants to ask Pluto how it can be against sexual education with another human being, but still buy prostitutes. A spaceship is ordered for the delivery, but Western Union isn’t as reliable as they claim to be and most of the money goes to feed the coke addictions in the upper management. The upper management is in bed with UPS and she has very expensive tastes. Someone suggests that Pluto doesn’t know what a prostitute is. Tests are done. Pluto waits two weeks. He calls a number. A nice lady answers the phone. She says, “I’ll close the door.” Pluto doesn’t know if she closed the door. He trusts the lady closed the door. The lady says, “Herpes simplex virus one and two: negative. Syphilis and gonorrhea: negative. HIV: negative.” Pluto hangs up the phone. Two minutes pass. Earth calls and says, “Did you get your results back?” Pluto lies and says “No,” and then hangs up the phone. Pluto is sad because he thinks he failed. He does not know what herpes is. The government projects already know about the test results. They contact Western Union. It’s decided that the prostitutes won’t be delivered to Pluto. Instead, UPS will send three coupons good for a free drink, a free hamburger, and free fries at any fast food restaurant. Earth doesn’t like this trickery, but there’s nothing they can do because Africa is sick and threatening to cough on Earth’s luggage. Earth sits in the corner of an office. Africa guards the door. The different government projects are sick too. They call up the nice lady and she says, “You’ve got them all.” She doesn’t even close the door. UPS is in the waiting room of the clinic and laughs. Then she eats three prostitutes who were really movie actors hired to film a sex education video. The production company is upset. Government projects are called. They hold their hands up and say, “We’ve got AIDS. What do you want us to do?” The production company sets up a meeting with UPS. Western Union shows up instead and says, “UPS just stole my Discover Platinum card and replaced it with these fast food coupons.” The production company takes the coupons and the two of them go to Shit Burger. Western Union says, “I didn’t know there were places like this.” The production company takes out a camcorder and films the meal. The footage is used in the sex education video. A complimentary copy is sent to Pluto. He doesn’t watch it.